The drama in my life

A lot has happened in the past couple of weeks. Will start by saying Brady had tubes put in his ears on June 29th. Dan and I took the two middle boys with us and we all stayed at my Mom's place for the weekend. The boys were very good. My Mom fell in love with them all and is treating them like her own grandchildren. I met one of Dan's brothers and met the boys grandparents from their Mom's side. The weekend was great. Spent Friday evening with my sister and her husband. Julie and I drank a couple of bottles of wine coolers and we got all giggly and had a lot of fun.

A few days after we got back, Dan became depressed. Got in one of his dark depressions. Has happened one time before that I've seen. We had been under a lot of stress due to now raising his two younger sons who were juvenile delinquents in the city.

Well last Wednesday, he told me he wanted to move out. Did it when I was at work yet. I came home and kicked his ass out of the house. Ended up he was planning on leaving with the boys that night anyways. He is staying with a woman he had a fling with who happens to be the same age as my mother. Now Dan tells me this woman is still seeing her boyfriend and Dan living there for a couple of weeks till he finds another house, is strictly platonic.

My heart wants to believe this but my head is finding it hard to trust him anymore. He calls here and asks to come see me every couple of days, still tells me he loves me and he has issues he needs to work on. He started to see a counselor and says he needs to work on himself before he can work on our relationship. I did agree with that. This is the second time he's done this to me. I don't have a revolving door on my heart and I will not do that to my son. My son is my number 1 priority and his well being. He along with me need stability in our lives not someone who comes in and out when he's feeling good.

I do love Dan very much. I hope that he does get his shit together. I just know I can't live like this. I went and saw my own doctor yesterday due to all the stress I've been under. He took me off of work till the 30th of this month so I can get my life back together and spend some quality time with my son. I am also going to start seeing a counselor tomorrow to talk about everything that's happened in the past year to me. I never sought grief counseling, thought I could do it on my own. I thought I could get through this break up easier than I have because of all that I've gone through in the past year. I was wrong. I need to become strong again, not just for my son, but for myself.

One thing that is kinda funny in this whole situation is, Dan told me the other day that when people found out that I was single again, guys would come knockin. Dan has trust issues with me and is jealous, though he hid it from me, until recently. It's one of his biggest issues that he has and he has to fix that. But the funny thing is, a neighbor who is acquantances of Dan came over and asked where Dan has been. I told him what happened and we talked for a bit. He then told me that he knows it's too soon to ask me out but wanted to let me know he's interested and if we could have coffee sometime. He's very good looking, nice guy, etc. I'm just not ready. I want to take time for myself now and my son. I'm not getting involved again with anyone for a long time.

So that's what's been going on in my world lately. Stress, stress, heartbreak and more stress.

Having Boys

has it's good points and bad... Or maybe it's just the teenage thing. Everyday having to remind them to clean their room, pick their clothes off the living room floor, feed the dogs, don't leave dirty dishes on the counter, we do have a dishwasher, take your lunch to school, etc, etc, etc. I know I would eventually being going through this with Braydon when he hits their age, but man... it's taking a bit getting used to. I am used to leaving the house clean when I go out and coming home to a clean house... not no more... There's lots of adjustments, stuff that I have to loosen up on. It's an adjustment for all of us, though the two middle boys seem to be doing just great. I love them as my own. They're polite, thank yous after every meal, thank you for taking us on the boat, thank you for everything. They are little gentlemen already. Will help me with bags, without being asked, will open doors, etc. My boys are sensitive, will talk about their feelings, come to me for opinions, want to do good. They have great senses of humour. They love to tease me and make me laugh. They idolize their Dad and seem a bit in awe of him. They're also not used to seeing a stable relationship. They have that now with Dan and I. You can tell they like it. Though, they'll go oh gross, or stuff, when they see us kissing. Which is funny, because I remember doing the same thing when I was their age with my parents.

My Mom has become a great source of inspiration for me. She raised 4 girls herself, so she has lots of on hand experience, especially the teenage part. I respect her so much more than I ever did, now that I'm going through it myself.

I am truly happy though with my family. These boys are all going to grow up to be great men. They have good hearts and each already has their individual talents. I am proud of them all.

My Birthday

It was my birthday May 31st. Had to work an evening shift. When I got home, the boys and Dan were waiting with a cake. It was very sweet. Dan had pre arranged with me that we'd celebrate my birthday on June 1st. So that morning he told me to be ready by 5:00 and get dressed up. Then at ten minutes to 5, he tells me to pack my overnight stuff. I was extremely excited, have never had a surprise like this. So we leave the house and drive up into the mountains. He ended up taking me to Elkhorn Resort and Spa. He had reserved their largest and nicest suite. I was shocked. It was absolutely beautiful. Our patio overlooked the valleys and mountains and pastures where horses were grazing.

He brought along a bottle of kahlua (the only kind of alcohol I really like), a shrimp ring and crab dip with crackers for later on that evening. We had a drink on the patio then he took me to the Resort Restaurant. The meal was to die for, and he had them bring me a birthday desert where he sang happy birthday to me and the other diners clapped afterwards. After supper we went back to our room and sat out on the patio having a couple of drinks. We also tried out the gorgeous jucuzzi tub. It was a magical night where I felt like a princess.

I've never had anyone do anything that special for me before. I teased him the next morning asking him how he was going to top this one for next year's birthday.

I love him so much.

Good weekend

Yesterday started off cloudy, but by mid afternoon the sun came out. I took the boys fishing while Dan was at work. Only Dylan caught one. Had fun anyways. Brady loved it.

Today was sunny and spent the afternoon tyding up the yard and cleaning the van. Brady had a fever all day and had to give him meds every few hours. Took him to OPD tonight and of course, he didn't have a fever then and the doctor whom I don't like, looked at him. Said he didn't have an ear infection, yet Brady says his ears hurt and won't let me touch them. Hmmm usually nevers tells me that. Anyways, he gave me a prescription just in case. Tried to "inform" me about feberal seizures and tell me that kids usually don't show any signs before having them. To which I replied, well since my son has had six in the last eight months he has always showed the same signs and tonight is the beginning.

Anyways, Brady is back home and in bed. I've given him more Motrim and hopefully he'll fall asleep soon. Will fill the prescription tomorrow and have him take it.

Dan starts his first 3 weeks of holidays tomorrow. I only work Wednesday and Thursday of this week. So not too bad.

We're Living Together

Brady and I have moved in with Dan and his three sons. We've been here about two weeks now and the rest of the heavy furniture was moved yesterday. Am so happy. Brady is so happy. Dan's son's, who are 15, 13 and 11 love and are great with Braydon. He loves them too. Idolizes the oldest, has tons of fun with the younger two.

Which means, I am now the only girl in a house of boys. I'm also the step mom to these 3. I love the boys with all my heart. They treat me well and like me too. We're all getting along extremely well. Of course, it's only the beginning and am sure we'll have a couple of run ins. So far, so good, though. They're all into hockey, love fishing and camping. Brady has gotton into it too along with them. It can be loud, have to get used to all the milk that we go through a day, am constantly busy and constantly cleaning, but I'm in heaven. Hardly have any time for the computer or myself. Now, I know what it's like having a large family, which I've always wanted. If I go to hide in mine and Dan's room to take a breather, one will be sure to soon follow to see what I'm doing and then the rest will come in too. My son has brothers now, has a Dad again. He sees how happy his mommy is and how good Dan treats her.

Dan and I are totally in love. We've fit into living together easily and are not just having fun, but are creating a warm and happy environment to raise our family. We live half a block from the hospital so we can walk to work. The house is great, the yard is beautiful. Tucker and Dan's dog get along great and Max the cat is in his glory. Tucker has really taken to our 11 year old.

I finally have the large family I've always wanted, finally have the man of my dreams, Brady finally has siblings and a great role model for a father in Dan. I couldn't be more happy.

Here is a pic of Dan and I taken a couple of weeks ago and one of just him, laughing.

Went Red

K, here's a pic of the new hair color. Have had a lot of compliments on it so far. Course, Dan is all over it lol I like it, better than the blonde I had dyed it just before. Will take a better pic when it's curled etc., this pic is right before I went to work.

All about work

So I ended up applying for the full time position on Surgery/Maternity. It's between myself and another girl who is a .4. She has senority though. If the manager follows cupe laws, then she'll get the position over me. I'm told this .4 has a bad track record and always calls in sick, takes stress leave, etc and has also been flagged in the ER for pain meds. If she does end up gettting it, then I'm applying for her .4 on surgery and will pick up to match it. Hopefully will know soon.

The other night, had to work in the personal care home connected to the hospital. One of the residents is a hitter and I've always lucked out in the past. Not that night. Got punched twice in the arm. My partner, who was a man, had to strong arm the resident down. Pretty scarey. Have a bruise on my arm, but am ok otherwise. The joys of working with violent alzheimers residents.

Same night, one of my coworkers told me my tire was going flat on my van. Dan ended up changing it for me during supper break. Got the tire patched and is good as new now.

To work full time or not

A position has opened up on surgery as full time. A few people suggested that I should apply for it. Am really debating this. On one hand, I'd make a bit more money, get stat days, be out of the float pool, but on the other hand, I really like working only a .7. I like having my days off, like that my rotation is the same as Dan's. I can get by on my paychecks that I get now. So have a lot to think about, but not much time to as they will be posting that job right away.

May 1st

is going to be a very special day. Not going to say more for now, but am very, very excited about that day.

Brady is getting tubes in his ears

Had the app't with Brady's pediatrician. He's concerned about his seizures. Two points, one being he's had two seizures in less than 24 hours and that he's had a seizure without having a cold first. Said he now could have seizures past the age of 6. He also asked if I wanted him put on an epileptic drug, which after asking about the side affects, said uh nope. Why would I want to put my almost 3 year old on a mood alterning drug that causes motor delays? I'll take the seizures. The doc said he doesn't like recommending the drug but thought he should ask. He's recommending Brady to a pedi surgeon who'll put tubes in his ears. He said he won't get any more ear infections, which in turn will also prevent the seizures. Am very happy something is finally getting down. Because of all Brady's ear infections, his hearing isn't the greatest, which in turn, his speech is below average. He'll also be seeing a speech therapist. Though on a good note, the pediatrician says my son is above normal intellectually. Yep, pretty proud mama walked out of that doctor's office.

Bad Hair Choice

My hair is starting to get pretty long. I got it trimmed a few days ago and it's cut like Reese Witherspoon's new style. Am very happy with the cut. BUT, I did something really dumb and on a whim. It was the Gemini in me. Decided while I was in the city for Brady's pediatrician app't. that I would dye my hair myself and go blonde, blonde. Yeah. Bad move. Am not happy with it all. To me it looks almost like a light strawberry blonde and makes me look washed out.

No, am not posting a pic. Will be dying it again next weekend. Found a couple of pics of me from 6 years ago when I was a redhead. Showed a few of my friends at work and they all really like me as a redhead. Showed Dan too and he loved it. Gonna give it a try. Felt really good as a redhead. Maybe post a pic then...

Went to Thompson

Two weekends ago, we went up to Thompson. Dan's son got age advanced for hockey provincials. We drove the 7 hours there and stopped at Fishue (Sp?) Falls for some pics and to look at the scenery. Beautiful! The road trip was a lot of fun. Braydon was extremely good in the SUV. Brennan played two games and he did very well. I was so happy I finally got to see him play. When he was in net, even Brady stayed still to watch. Otherwise the rest of the time I spent chasing him around the arena and listening to how "cute" he was. Yeah, sure, he was, especially when I was trying to get him off of the Zamboni lol

Anyways, it was our first family trip together. We had a lot of fun. Though was a little dissappointed in the Arena and that Thompson didn't do anything special for hosting the provincials. Sure not like Ringette. You didn't even know there were provincials going on. Brennan's team came in 4th.

Here's some pics... Dan driving... Fishue Falls, Brennan, Brady & I and Brennan in an action shot, he's the goalie

Rollover

Last Tuesday, Dan was test driving a new F150 extended cab and we drove it from his place to mine. Then on the way back, he suggested I try it out. We left my place and got two miles out of town when I turned around to check on Brady and Dan yelled my name. I looked ahead and saw I went onto the shoulder of the highway. I jerked the wheel back and hit black ice, next thing I knew, I lost total control of the truck, it fishtailed and then straight to the other side of the highway towards the ditch. We rolled 3 times before we stopped on the side of the truck. All the windows were blown out, we were half under a snowbank and covered in snow. Dan asked if I was ok, I was, Brady was crying like crazy, so Dan climbed into the back and got him. The only way out of the truck was the back window, which he crawled out carrying Braydon. People had pulled over to help us and a man came down and helped me out and up to his van where Dan was waiting with Brady trying to comfort him.

Some very nice people drove us to the nearest hospital and we all got checked out. Thank God, no one was really hurt. Brady was discharged right away. Dan and I were admitted. I went into shock and Dan had to wear a neck brace. We ended up being just banged up and bruised. Of course, I have a bad case of the guilts, where I could have killed us all. I am so thankful we ended up walking away. The RCMP came to the hospital to get a statement and were surprised there were any survivors and that we were basically ok.

The truck is totalled. This is my first accident where I'm at fault. The guilt weighs heavily.

I'm in Love

completely. He is amazing. Even seeing the pic of him I have, gives me butterflies. Never had that before. Ever. He feels the same way about me. I've introduced him to Brady a few times. We've gone to watch Dan play hockey. Brady gets so excited. They, Dan, his son and Brady watch hockey together on tv. Of course, I read while they do so and ever so often, look up and watch them all sitting cozy on the couch and smile, thinking this is what a family is. He even watched Brady for me when I had to work half a day and was stuck for daycare. When I got back, Brady was like, Mommy go to work. Guess he was having too much fun.

I sometimes compare my relationship with this wonderful man to the one I had with my husband. Jason was my best friend, the man I did marry, the father of my son. But we had a lot of problems throughout our relationship. There were a lot of times I wasn't happy, but kept strong and to keep the marriage working.

The relationship I have now is far different. There is respect, consideration and lots of laughs. Dan can make me laugh till I almost cry. I feel myself again. Was telling my Mom the other day, that I haven't been my complete self in years. That I lost a part of me somewhere in my marriage. I lost the bubbliness and goofiness that I can be. She said she noticed it too. Well over the past 9 monthes, I've become myself again. I'm that bubbly comedian again. I goof around with the patients at work and with my co-workers. Brady and I also have a lot of fun together. This man, this great guy that I'm dating, encourages it. I can be myself around him. He doesn't critisize, only compliments.

We share the same goals, the same aspirations, the same beliefs on family life, etc. Is it possible to have more than one soulmate? I think so. Because this man I'm in love with, feels like one. He's asked me to move in together this summer. He wants to build a life with me, one that lasts till we're old and rocking on the front porch. He's affectionate, which I love and never had during my marriage. He doesn't mind PDA's. He's proud to have me on his arm. He's also a true and honest gentleman.

Our sons get along great, despite the 12 year age difference. Cannot say enough how happy that makes me. His son and I get along great. We laugh, we tease, we talk. I actually love this 15 year old kid too.

I am just so happy. My family all knows about Dan. We'll be heading into Winnipeg on the 23rd of March for the weekend, where he'll meet them all. We're also taking the boys to a Manitoba Moose game which his son is very excited about. I also told my MIL about Dan. She is actually happy for me and for Braydon. I was a bit worried, have to admit, thought she might think it's way too soon, but she didn't. All she wants is for me to be happy and that both me and Brady are treated right.

I've found love without looking for it. This is the real thing. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. I'm smiling while I write this, even the thought of him makes me glow.

I'll always love Jason. He'll always hold a special place in my heart. My heart is also big enough to hold more than one love and I've found that with Dan.

Latest pics of Tucker

Tucker is such a great dog. He now sits, lies down, shakes a paw, and stays on command. He is so easy to train. Here's some new pics of him... my baby boy

First Snow Day Evahhh

Woke up at 4:30 a.m. to get ready for work. Checked the highway reports and said travel not advised. Took a shower anyways, just in case, got ready and checked the report again along with listening to the local radio station. RCMP issued a warning against driving today. Well, that was enough for me, called in and said, I'm taking my first ever official snow day! woohoooo.

Brady woke up and he's got a bit of a fever. Am watching it carefully, if it doesn't go down by mid afternoon, we'll be heading to the hospital here in town. The pediatrician in Winnipeg better put tubes in his ears.

Life as a single Mom

- drill bottom holes in the cupboards to finish putting handles on
- oil change in van
- back wiper needs to be fixed
- front driver's wiper needs to be run over because it's pissing me off
- van needs to be really cleaned
- take garbage to the back lane
- find dog dishes that has been hidden outside by the dogs, not to mention it's snowed 6 inches in the past two days
- paint my bedroom
- catch up on my CJ's
- clean out vacuum that's plugged, should be interesting.... NOT
- shovel the 6 inches of snow off my deck, the walkway and the driveway
- daily cleaning
- hammer at snow buildup under the tires of the van since I can hardly drive it
- make appointment to get hair done
- find a daycare that will take Brady for my evening shifts, think finding the secret in the Caramilk bars will be easier
-cut Brady's nails, which is usually a fighting match
- install new keyboard
- best of all, take a nap

Oh, did I mention, I'm only off for one day, then go back to work for 5 days straight?

When did you realize that you love someone?

I'm always excited hearing peoples' stories of when they knew they were in love, or how all of a sudden it instantly hit them... they were head over heals.

I'm starting to have feelings for a certain special someone. It is good looking co-worker. I've questioned myself numerous times as to whether or not it's too soon. I think a lot of people would say it is, but then again same said a lot of people, have fortunately, never walked in my shoes.

Now, don't get me wrong, my son is my #1 priority. Always will be. There will be pics of his father up and of us as a family. That will never change. You have to admit, it would take one special man to be able to feel unthreatened or totally ok with that. It has crossed my mind over the last few months of dating again. I'm only 37. I don't want to live in the past. That is unhealthy for my son and for myself. My son deserves only the best left in life. He lost his hero, his father at a very early age. He desperately wants one. He calls all men around Jas' age, daddy. I wonder if he's like that now, what will it be like in school? Especially where we live, where there are no divorcees, all kids have daddys.

Again, don't get me wrong. I am not looking for a Daddy for my son in the sense you may think. That will though, be a big prerequisite of the man I commit to. He has to realize that he would become the major father figure in my son's life. That he would have to love him as his own, to actively take part in Brady's growing life. This man would have a lot to live up to in my eyes.

This future man would also have to be able to accept that my son is my first priority. That I'm respnsible for him and that I will try my damnest not to allow anyone to break his heart again.. at least until he starts dating girls ;)

Now that I've written this short story.. I want to add that this good looking co-worker, who happens to be a pysch nurse, is sweeping me off my feet. No, he's not perfect, but I like his imperfections. And anyone who knows me, knows that I'm far from perfect. He treats me like a princess. I get butterflies in my stomach when I see him. His smile melts my heart and he has the kindest eyes I've ever seen. He's intelligent, smart, compassionate, and fun to be around. He makes me laugh, is caring and is a great Dad to his kids. One is living on her own, another lives with him. I've met his son. He is a well mannered, responsible 14 year old. I am amazed at how well put together this kid is. He makes straight A's, plays hockey and works part time. For this kid to be who is today, at 14, you know a lot of it is his father's doing. Good working co-worker, who looks so much like Alan Jackson, people comment on it all the time, and from herein I will call AJ for short, has raised his son, on his own, since son was 3. No involvement from his ex wife. That in itself is admirable to me.

So, we're taking things slow, at my request. He knows about Jason, obviously, was working at the hospital at the time when Jas was ill. He is open and honest and is compassionate when it comes to listening to me talk about Jas.

I wasn't looking when this man entered my life. He became a good friend first and it has now become more than that. I have strong feelings for him and he has just told me the magic words and respects that I've been guarded, but those walls have started to crumble down. We'll see what the future holds, but until then, I'm going to enjoy the moment.

It's all about Work

The other night, I had my first Aid's patient. He was in his mid 20's. We had to glove, gown and mask to go in and see him, but for his sake, not ours. He was sweet and polite and I liked him. I can't believe thought, that even people working in the medical field, they are still ignorant when it comes to Aids. A couple of workers refused to go in his room. I was more than a little surprised. This patient had no open sores, didn't cough phlegm, etc, etc. I felt really bad for him because he's in isolation too.

Last night, a prisoner came in with wrist and ankle shanks and two guards. He was a young guy. When I came to get him out of the ER to bring him up to surgery, he got in the wheelchair and looked back at me and said, I may be in shackles, but don't worry, I won't kill yah. I said, uh thanks, dude, 'preciate that. Looked at the guard who just nodded. Ok then, took him upstairs and brought him to his room, where the guard shackled him to the bed. Have no idea why he was in jail, just that he was dangerous.

Another day bites the dust

Went out yesterday to start up the beast to go to the store before work. Wouldn't turn over. Battery is dead. Damn cold weather. FIL comes over to check it out. I have some sort of short in the wiring for my brake lights and sometimes they stay on. Well with the cold and that it drained my battery. FIL came to the rescue, boosted my beast and took it to the garage to have it recharged. Ran fine for me to get to work and back. Good looking co-worker thinks it is also the alternator, so do a couple of other co workers. Oh yeah.

Got a call from Brady's doctor. She set up the appointment for the pediatrician back home. It's on the 22nd of this month. Was scheduled to work it, but I switched it last night. So will be going in for a day trip. Am glad that something is finally getting down. We'll go out for supper and then come back since I have to work the next evening.

First Loves

Do you remember yours? If you didn't marry him/her, do you still think about them?

A very good friend of mine recently ran into hers. They have been dating and taking it slow. I'm very happy for her. I've thought about my first love over the years. I ran into him about 5 years ago and he still gave me goosebumps. We were high school sweethearts, he then played a professional sport for awhile till he got injured, we were engaged for 3 years and then he broke up with me. Broke my heart. For 3 years after we would continue to see each other off and on till I finally ended it. I always thought, if it was meant to be, it would happen. He got married, had two little girls and then got divorced. I have been thinking of him a lot lately. Dreamnt about him a couple of times too.

Then hearing from my gf about how she ran into her first love, has got me thinking too and a little bit envious. I know all I have to do is pick up the phone and call him, but am scared. Scared in case he does have a new gf or has even remarried.

I truly believe in fate. I also believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe he'll enter back into my life again, maybe he won't. It sure would be nice to hear his voice again.

On another note, good looking coworker stopped by last night after Brady went to bed. We've been talking on the phone, take our breaks at work together, etc. We talked a long time last night. Had a couple of drinks, mmm Kahlua...and he told me he told me he's starting to fall for me. I was like, wooah nellie. It's been 3 weeks since we've been chatting etc, wth? He said he really likes me, thinks I got my shit together, calls me beautiful and sexy all the time, is always complimenting me (not over naseausily sp?) but still. It's nice and all, but back the truck up a bit. Told him, that if he doesn't slow down, he's gonna run me off. That I already told him I was not looking or wanted any type of commitment. Was not ready for that. Am just getting used to being single and am starting to enjoy that. That my son comes first in my life. That I work 4 or 5 days straight, two days off, then another work stretch again. My two days off are spent cleaning, playing with my son, etc. I don't really have that much time for myself. Maybe a couple of times a month, but don't know how much more than that. He has asked me out on 5 different dates for events over the next 3 weeks. Told him, we'll see. Maybe one of them, but that's all I would commit to. He's super nice, told me he'd go at my speed and won't rush or push me. We'll see.

Just in Case Some Don't know

The pics on the right are, the last family pic of us together, two weeks before Jas passed. The far right one is the last really healthy pic I have of him from the last Christmas we had together.

Since I've now made my blog public, and some don't know.. If you've read older posts, etc, you'll notice that I stopped posting towards the end of May. My best friend of almost 5 years, my husband of 3 1/2 years and the father of my son, had terminal Esophageal Cancer that mets to his left lung and liver. I stopped posting around the time when he was getting really weak and I had to have a hospital bed brought in, among other things. It was too hard to update this blog at the time, as I had little time for myself, taking care of my husband 24/7 and that was just way more important.

On June 2, I admitted him into the hospital for the final time. He had a great day Saturday, stayed awake the whole 24 hours. We sat outside alot, talked and held hands. Sunday, his parents and his best friend came to visit. I took my son to McDick's for a happy meal and Brady brought his stuffed toy he got with it and gave it to his Dad. My son, makes me so proud and makes me cry so easily. He's such a good, little boy. That was the last time he saw his father alive. Monday, Jas went for surgery to check out the tumor in his throat as he couldn't swallow anymore. He had a restful night and I woke up to him on Tuesday morning with him just looking at me with a smile on his face. After some chat and a hug, I went home and showered. Came back and his nurse met me off the elevator with tears in her eyes. I should have known, really, he had all the signs, mottling, cold, hurt to be touched or moved, stiffening... of course, it didn't register for me. After I got to his bedside, I held his hand, he squeezed mine, I chatted with him for a bit, or at least I did the talking, he just squeezed my hand and was smiling at me the whole time. He said one last thing, I love you, squeezed my hand again, and then his face started contracting. I ran and got the nurse and with me by her side, she pronounced his death.

He was the love of my life, the one I was supposed to grow old and wrinkled with, and my world got turned upside down. I'll always love him and his pictures will always be displayed in my home. Jason was extremely brave throughout his struggle with cancer. Never gave up hope. Spent his last dying breath being the superb man that he was, smiling at me and holding my hand.

People say, there is no such thing as a romantic death, it's only in the movies. Well my husband proved them all wrong. He gave me one last thing, with a smile on his face and love in his eyes.

Had a blast at work tonight

I work with some great people. I'm outgoing and laugh a lot. Love to tease and have fun. My co-workers were like that tonight. There were 3 of us on our wing. We basically stayed in a group and did the work. There is one resident there that is never really satisfied. She'll want her head up, nope, too much, no, just up a little more. Or put the pillow there, no to the left, nope just a little to the right. Put that blanket right there, and this blanket right here. Ok each of these blankets are maybe 14 x 14 inches squared. Yep can cover a lot yah know? So anyways, coworker #1 and I go in to put her to bed. Resident starts on her requests as soon as we put her wheelchair up to the bed. I, of course, start giggling. Coworker #1 has a dry sense of humor and is quite funny, but keeping a straight face as this is going on. We get said resident into bed and then it gets worse. Her hearing aids are out and her glasses are off. I can't stop giggling at this point. Coworker is being nice to her and while he's doing that he's making faces at me, which sets me off again. We were in there for 20 minutes complying with all her demands, and I came out of the room holding my stomach it hurt so much from laughin. It was like that pretty much all night. Had a blast. All workplaces should have a requirement to laugh. Have I mentioned lately, how much I love my job? I got so many hugs, kisses and I love you's from these residents, it makes it so worth it. Am so glad I got into the healthcare field.

Running on Empty

Have you ever been driving and then realize the low fuel is on? Well if it's happened to me before, I've never noticed it, but I sure did tonight. It's fuckin -38 out at 11:30 pm and here's me driving down the highway, no other cars around, about 1/2 way home, I see the scariest light that you could in this situation. The little red fuel tank lit up. I take a look at the guage and sure enough, I'm on E. How the hell did that happen? I did fill up the Beast a week or so ago. I think anyways. So here's this blonde chicka cruising down a deserted highway going 130, which is, I think 80 mph, for any of you americans reading this, and I'm on empty. Let's just say I started loving the Beast, praising it like I only do my son, stroking it like I only do.. well, umm, never mind. I even started praying to the gas gods, pleading to let me get home. And no, there ain't no gas stations open that late between my work and home (28 miles). Ridiculous, I know, but it's what happens when you decide to live out in never, never land.

Don't know if it was the strokin or the prayin, but I made it home. Now, hopefully I got enough piss left in the Beast to make it the 3 blocks to the gas station. 'Cause we all know, I sure as hell ain't gonna be walking in -30 or so degree weather.

Why is it when you don't want/need a man

they come out of the woodwork? Guess it doesn't help it's a small town (pop of 7500 locally) and not very many women available? Don't know. I'm doing good. Getting used to this single woman status. Enjoy doing what I want, when I want, with exception to being Brady's Mom. A good looking co-worker of mine has asked me out on a date. We've become friends. He's a great guy. Just don't want a relationship yet. Maybe a date won't hurt. Seems innocent enough. Have stated my feelings on the topic of dating. So there's nothing hidden. Doesn't hurt to make male friends.

Neighbor called me today. He's the one that asked me out on a date last summer. The man is older than my father. YUCK! He's nice, but he's older than my father!!!! No thanks. He just wanted to say "hi" when he called today.

The attention is nice. It's just not really wanted, you know?

Must stay in check. Though sex is something I've almost forgotton about. Definitely something I miss a lot lol We'll see how it goes.

Too frickin cold out

to do anything. -23 with a windchill of -38. Going down to -35 tonight with who knows what the fuck the windchill will be. That damn gopher better not be lying. I don't want anymore than 6 weeks of snow and cold left.

Hospital stay for Brady again

Thursday night Brady started getting a fever. It started at 39.2. Christ, they just come out of nowhere. Started the Tylenol/Motrim switchoff all throughout the night. Friday by lunch, decided to take him to the ER here in town in case he did have an ear infection. Waited two hours with him sleeping on and off in my arms, when he started to seizure. Picked him up, yelled to the doctor and nurses, my son is seizuring and then all hell broke loose. They came running, doc swept him from my arms and rushed him into an ER room, yelling stats. She gave him Lorazapam to stop the seizure and a Tylenol sup which immediately brought his fever down. She admitted him into the hospital for further observation. Sure, enough, Brady did have an ear infection. Wish my kid would let me know, give me some kind of sign.

While he was sleeping, Grandma came and sat with him while I went home and packed a suitcase. Brought his favorite movies, a couple for myself, some clothes and a bunch of toys.

As the night wore on, he started acting normal again. The next morning, he was pushing the nurses around in a wheelchair. Doctor came and released him. She is taking him on as her patient and is also referring him to a Pediatrician in Winnipeg to have his ears checked. She was extremely concerned. I really like this doctor. Glad she took him on as her patient.

Here's a couple of pics of the stinker.

Brady and Bum Cream

Yes, my son likes to wear Bum Cream on his face. I think he watches his momma too much applying facial cream to her's. I caught him like this the other day when I got out of the shower... oh I can't wait to show him this when he's older, hahahaha, along with his girlfriends! Yep, I'm gonna be one of those Moms!! :P

Gotta Wear Shades

Even when it's minus fuckin 30 out! Hey, gotta look cool, right? ;)

Tucker

We got a Golden Retriever puppy named Tucker. He is too cute. Got him when he was 4 months old, he's 5 months now. He's like an old dog in a pup's body. Too smart. He already knows sit, down, outside, no, and come. He's very calm and gentle. I want to train him so that I can take him to the hospital to the see the patients. I think he'd do great. Here's the latest addition to my little family. That's it though. No more additions for a long time!

Winter driving

It sucks. I only like snow at Christmas. Yet I continue to live in a place that has snow roughly 7 months of the year with temps exceeding -30. What am I thinking? But those 5 months without snow makes it so worth it. Reminder, need to get new batteries for my remote start. Am sick of getting into a cold vehicle!

Had to pick Tuck up from the Vet's today. Knew it was cold and windy out, but didn't realize how bad the driving conditions were. First pic is on the way to the Vet's and the second is on the way back, two hours later.

This is nothing compared to what I drove in last Friday night. Now that was crazy!

Hurt

This song by Christina Aquilera makes me cry everytime. It's like I could have wrote it for Jason. Here are the lyrics...

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh, ooh
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there
Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, oooh
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back
Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, ohh
If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

I'm working!

Well, I've made it. I'm finally in healthcare. Love, love, love it. I'm a .7 float, so that means I work at the hospital on the surgical/maternity and medicine/palliative floors. I also work at the personal care home that is connected to the hospital through an underground tunnel. I have to admit, I like both places equally the same. Part of me likes the routine at the care home and yet I like how at the hospital it's always new and changing.

I was a bit worried to be working on palliative. That quickly went away. I find it like self therapy. I can relate to the families and I truly feel compassion for these patients. I treat them caringly like I did my husband, yet I don't have the same deep feelings for them, understandably.

Have had drama with a co-worker. Never had that before. She took it upon herself to say that I'm loud, say "sweetie and hon" too much, that she feels I over do it. That I'm just too bubbly. Also that I'm too personable with the patients, especially palliative. Once she said palliative, I kinda lost it. Asked other co-workers if they felt the same way, they said not at all, that I'm fun to work with, that I'm great with the patients, etc. Later that same co-worker pulled me aside and apologized, she was crying, then told me about her issues. The rest of the night, she acted like my friend. I'm very wary and won't get personal.

Other than that, everything else is going GREAT! I work mostly evenings, which gives me more time with Brady.

Love the scrubs they have out. Have been going a little crazy buying new top

s.

I love the patterns and bright colors. Here's one of my new ones. Got lots of compliments.

Time to Get This Thing Started Again..

Well, it's been a few months, but I thought I'd get back into blogging again. Will be updating a lot over the next couple of days. So for now, ta ta and I'm back in the bloggin world!