Life as a single Mom

- drill bottom holes in the cupboards to finish putting handles on
- oil change in van
- back wiper needs to be fixed
- front driver's wiper needs to be run over because it's pissing me off
- van needs to be really cleaned
- take garbage to the back lane
- find dog dishes that has been hidden outside by the dogs, not to mention it's snowed 6 inches in the past two days
- paint my bedroom
- catch up on my CJ's
- clean out vacuum that's plugged, should be interesting.... NOT
- shovel the 6 inches of snow off my deck, the walkway and the driveway
- daily cleaning
- hammer at snow buildup under the tires of the van since I can hardly drive it
- make appointment to get hair done
- find a daycare that will take Brady for my evening shifts, think finding the secret in the Caramilk bars will be easier
-cut Brady's nails, which is usually a fighting match
- install new keyboard
- best of all, take a nap

Oh, did I mention, I'm only off for one day, then go back to work for 5 days straight?

When did you realize that you love someone?

I'm always excited hearing peoples' stories of when they knew they were in love, or how all of a sudden it instantly hit them... they were head over heals.

I'm starting to have feelings for a certain special someone. It is good looking co-worker. I've questioned myself numerous times as to whether or not it's too soon. I think a lot of people would say it is, but then again same said a lot of people, have fortunately, never walked in my shoes.

Now, don't get me wrong, my son is my #1 priority. Always will be. There will be pics of his father up and of us as a family. That will never change. You have to admit, it would take one special man to be able to feel unthreatened or totally ok with that. It has crossed my mind over the last few months of dating again. I'm only 37. I don't want to live in the past. That is unhealthy for my son and for myself. My son deserves only the best left in life. He lost his hero, his father at a very early age. He desperately wants one. He calls all men around Jas' age, daddy. I wonder if he's like that now, what will it be like in school? Especially where we live, where there are no divorcees, all kids have daddys.

Again, don't get me wrong. I am not looking for a Daddy for my son in the sense you may think. That will though, be a big prerequisite of the man I commit to. He has to realize that he would become the major father figure in my son's life. That he would have to love him as his own, to actively take part in Brady's growing life. This man would have a lot to live up to in my eyes.

This future man would also have to be able to accept that my son is my first priority. That I'm respnsible for him and that I will try my damnest not to allow anyone to break his heart again.. at least until he starts dating girls ;)

Now that I've written this short story.. I want to add that this good looking co-worker, who happens to be a pysch nurse, is sweeping me off my feet. No, he's not perfect, but I like his imperfections. And anyone who knows me, knows that I'm far from perfect. He treats me like a princess. I get butterflies in my stomach when I see him. His smile melts my heart and he has the kindest eyes I've ever seen. He's intelligent, smart, compassionate, and fun to be around. He makes me laugh, is caring and is a great Dad to his kids. One is living on her own, another lives with him. I've met his son. He is a well mannered, responsible 14 year old. I am amazed at how well put together this kid is. He makes straight A's, plays hockey and works part time. For this kid to be who is today, at 14, you know a lot of it is his father's doing. Good working co-worker, who looks so much like Alan Jackson, people comment on it all the time, and from herein I will call AJ for short, has raised his son, on his own, since son was 3. No involvement from his ex wife. That in itself is admirable to me.

So, we're taking things slow, at my request. He knows about Jason, obviously, was working at the hospital at the time when Jas was ill. He is open and honest and is compassionate when it comes to listening to me talk about Jas.

I wasn't looking when this man entered my life. He became a good friend first and it has now become more than that. I have strong feelings for him and he has just told me the magic words and respects that I've been guarded, but those walls have started to crumble down. We'll see what the future holds, but until then, I'm going to enjoy the moment.

It's all about Work

The other night, I had my first Aid's patient. He was in his mid 20's. We had to glove, gown and mask to go in and see him, but for his sake, not ours. He was sweet and polite and I liked him. I can't believe thought, that even people working in the medical field, they are still ignorant when it comes to Aids. A couple of workers refused to go in his room. I was more than a little surprised. This patient had no open sores, didn't cough phlegm, etc, etc. I felt really bad for him because he's in isolation too.

Last night, a prisoner came in with wrist and ankle shanks and two guards. He was a young guy. When I came to get him out of the ER to bring him up to surgery, he got in the wheelchair and looked back at me and said, I may be in shackles, but don't worry, I won't kill yah. I said, uh thanks, dude, 'preciate that. Looked at the guard who just nodded. Ok then, took him upstairs and brought him to his room, where the guard shackled him to the bed. Have no idea why he was in jail, just that he was dangerous.

Another day bites the dust

Went out yesterday to start up the beast to go to the store before work. Wouldn't turn over. Battery is dead. Damn cold weather. FIL comes over to check it out. I have some sort of short in the wiring for my brake lights and sometimes they stay on. Well with the cold and that it drained my battery. FIL came to the rescue, boosted my beast and took it to the garage to have it recharged. Ran fine for me to get to work and back. Good looking co-worker thinks it is also the alternator, so do a couple of other co workers. Oh yeah.

Got a call from Brady's doctor. She set up the appointment for the pediatrician back home. It's on the 22nd of this month. Was scheduled to work it, but I switched it last night. So will be going in for a day trip. Am glad that something is finally getting down. We'll go out for supper and then come back since I have to work the next evening.

First Loves

Do you remember yours? If you didn't marry him/her, do you still think about them?

A very good friend of mine recently ran into hers. They have been dating and taking it slow. I'm very happy for her. I've thought about my first love over the years. I ran into him about 5 years ago and he still gave me goosebumps. We were high school sweethearts, he then played a professional sport for awhile till he got injured, we were engaged for 3 years and then he broke up with me. Broke my heart. For 3 years after we would continue to see each other off and on till I finally ended it. I always thought, if it was meant to be, it would happen. He got married, had two little girls and then got divorced. I have been thinking of him a lot lately. Dreamnt about him a couple of times too.

Then hearing from my gf about how she ran into her first love, has got me thinking too and a little bit envious. I know all I have to do is pick up the phone and call him, but am scared. Scared in case he does have a new gf or has even remarried.

I truly believe in fate. I also believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe he'll enter back into my life again, maybe he won't. It sure would be nice to hear his voice again.

On another note, good looking coworker stopped by last night after Brady went to bed. We've been talking on the phone, take our breaks at work together, etc. We talked a long time last night. Had a couple of drinks, mmm Kahlua...and he told me he told me he's starting to fall for me. I was like, wooah nellie. It's been 3 weeks since we've been chatting etc, wth? He said he really likes me, thinks I got my shit together, calls me beautiful and sexy all the time, is always complimenting me (not over naseausily sp?) but still. It's nice and all, but back the truck up a bit. Told him, that if he doesn't slow down, he's gonna run me off. That I already told him I was not looking or wanted any type of commitment. Was not ready for that. Am just getting used to being single and am starting to enjoy that. That my son comes first in my life. That I work 4 or 5 days straight, two days off, then another work stretch again. My two days off are spent cleaning, playing with my son, etc. I don't really have that much time for myself. Maybe a couple of times a month, but don't know how much more than that. He has asked me out on 5 different dates for events over the next 3 weeks. Told him, we'll see. Maybe one of them, but that's all I would commit to. He's super nice, told me he'd go at my speed and won't rush or push me. We'll see.

Just in Case Some Don't know

The pics on the right are, the last family pic of us together, two weeks before Jas passed. The far right one is the last really healthy pic I have of him from the last Christmas we had together.

Since I've now made my blog public, and some don't know.. If you've read older posts, etc, you'll notice that I stopped posting towards the end of May. My best friend of almost 5 years, my husband of 3 1/2 years and the father of my son, had terminal Esophageal Cancer that mets to his left lung and liver. I stopped posting around the time when he was getting really weak and I had to have a hospital bed brought in, among other things. It was too hard to update this blog at the time, as I had little time for myself, taking care of my husband 24/7 and that was just way more important.

On June 2, I admitted him into the hospital for the final time. He had a great day Saturday, stayed awake the whole 24 hours. We sat outside alot, talked and held hands. Sunday, his parents and his best friend came to visit. I took my son to McDick's for a happy meal and Brady brought his stuffed toy he got with it and gave it to his Dad. My son, makes me so proud and makes me cry so easily. He's such a good, little boy. That was the last time he saw his father alive. Monday, Jas went for surgery to check out the tumor in his throat as he couldn't swallow anymore. He had a restful night and I woke up to him on Tuesday morning with him just looking at me with a smile on his face. After some chat and a hug, I went home and showered. Came back and his nurse met me off the elevator with tears in her eyes. I should have known, really, he had all the signs, mottling, cold, hurt to be touched or moved, stiffening... of course, it didn't register for me. After I got to his bedside, I held his hand, he squeezed mine, I chatted with him for a bit, or at least I did the talking, he just squeezed my hand and was smiling at me the whole time. He said one last thing, I love you, squeezed my hand again, and then his face started contracting. I ran and got the nurse and with me by her side, she pronounced his death.

He was the love of my life, the one I was supposed to grow old and wrinkled with, and my world got turned upside down. I'll always love him and his pictures will always be displayed in my home. Jason was extremely brave throughout his struggle with cancer. Never gave up hope. Spent his last dying breath being the superb man that he was, smiling at me and holding my hand.

People say, there is no such thing as a romantic death, it's only in the movies. Well my husband proved them all wrong. He gave me one last thing, with a smile on his face and love in his eyes.

Had a blast at work tonight

I work with some great people. I'm outgoing and laugh a lot. Love to tease and have fun. My co-workers were like that tonight. There were 3 of us on our wing. We basically stayed in a group and did the work. There is one resident there that is never really satisfied. She'll want her head up, nope, too much, no, just up a little more. Or put the pillow there, no to the left, nope just a little to the right. Put that blanket right there, and this blanket right here. Ok each of these blankets are maybe 14 x 14 inches squared. Yep can cover a lot yah know? So anyways, coworker #1 and I go in to put her to bed. Resident starts on her requests as soon as we put her wheelchair up to the bed. I, of course, start giggling. Coworker #1 has a dry sense of humor and is quite funny, but keeping a straight face as this is going on. We get said resident into bed and then it gets worse. Her hearing aids are out and her glasses are off. I can't stop giggling at this point. Coworker is being nice to her and while he's doing that he's making faces at me, which sets me off again. We were in there for 20 minutes complying with all her demands, and I came out of the room holding my stomach it hurt so much from laughin. It was like that pretty much all night. Had a blast. All workplaces should have a requirement to laugh. Have I mentioned lately, how much I love my job? I got so many hugs, kisses and I love you's from these residents, it makes it so worth it. Am so glad I got into the healthcare field.

Running on Empty

Have you ever been driving and then realize the low fuel is on? Well if it's happened to me before, I've never noticed it, but I sure did tonight. It's fuckin -38 out at 11:30 pm and here's me driving down the highway, no other cars around, about 1/2 way home, I see the scariest light that you could in this situation. The little red fuel tank lit up. I take a look at the guage and sure enough, I'm on E. How the hell did that happen? I did fill up the Beast a week or so ago. I think anyways. So here's this blonde chicka cruising down a deserted highway going 130, which is, I think 80 mph, for any of you americans reading this, and I'm on empty. Let's just say I started loving the Beast, praising it like I only do my son, stroking it like I only do.. well, umm, never mind. I even started praying to the gas gods, pleading to let me get home. And no, there ain't no gas stations open that late between my work and home (28 miles). Ridiculous, I know, but it's what happens when you decide to live out in never, never land.

Don't know if it was the strokin or the prayin, but I made it home. Now, hopefully I got enough piss left in the Beast to make it the 3 blocks to the gas station. 'Cause we all know, I sure as hell ain't gonna be walking in -30 or so degree weather.

Why is it when you don't want/need a man

they come out of the woodwork? Guess it doesn't help it's a small town (pop of 7500 locally) and not very many women available? Don't know. I'm doing good. Getting used to this single woman status. Enjoy doing what I want, when I want, with exception to being Brady's Mom. A good looking co-worker of mine has asked me out on a date. We've become friends. He's a great guy. Just don't want a relationship yet. Maybe a date won't hurt. Seems innocent enough. Have stated my feelings on the topic of dating. So there's nothing hidden. Doesn't hurt to make male friends.

Neighbor called me today. He's the one that asked me out on a date last summer. The man is older than my father. YUCK! He's nice, but he's older than my father!!!! No thanks. He just wanted to say "hi" when he called today.

The attention is nice. It's just not really wanted, you know?

Must stay in check. Though sex is something I've almost forgotton about. Definitely something I miss a lot lol We'll see how it goes.

Too frickin cold out

to do anything. -23 with a windchill of -38. Going down to -35 tonight with who knows what the fuck the windchill will be. That damn gopher better not be lying. I don't want anymore than 6 weeks of snow and cold left.

Hospital stay for Brady again

Thursday night Brady started getting a fever. It started at 39.2. Christ, they just come out of nowhere. Started the Tylenol/Motrim switchoff all throughout the night. Friday by lunch, decided to take him to the ER here in town in case he did have an ear infection. Waited two hours with him sleeping on and off in my arms, when he started to seizure. Picked him up, yelled to the doctor and nurses, my son is seizuring and then all hell broke loose. They came running, doc swept him from my arms and rushed him into an ER room, yelling stats. She gave him Lorazapam to stop the seizure and a Tylenol sup which immediately brought his fever down. She admitted him into the hospital for further observation. Sure, enough, Brady did have an ear infection. Wish my kid would let me know, give me some kind of sign.

While he was sleeping, Grandma came and sat with him while I went home and packed a suitcase. Brought his favorite movies, a couple for myself, some clothes and a bunch of toys.

As the night wore on, he started acting normal again. The next morning, he was pushing the nurses around in a wheelchair. Doctor came and released him. She is taking him on as her patient and is also referring him to a Pediatrician in Winnipeg to have his ears checked. She was extremely concerned. I really like this doctor. Glad she took him on as her patient.

Here's a couple of pics of the stinker.

Brady and Bum Cream

Yes, my son likes to wear Bum Cream on his face. I think he watches his momma too much applying facial cream to her's. I caught him like this the other day when I got out of the shower... oh I can't wait to show him this when he's older, hahahaha, along with his girlfriends! Yep, I'm gonna be one of those Moms!! :P

Gotta Wear Shades

Even when it's minus fuckin 30 out! Hey, gotta look cool, right? ;)

Tucker

We got a Golden Retriever puppy named Tucker. He is too cute. Got him when he was 4 months old, he's 5 months now. He's like an old dog in a pup's body. Too smart. He already knows sit, down, outside, no, and come. He's very calm and gentle. I want to train him so that I can take him to the hospital to the see the patients. I think he'd do great. Here's the latest addition to my little family. That's it though. No more additions for a long time!

Winter driving

It sucks. I only like snow at Christmas. Yet I continue to live in a place that has snow roughly 7 months of the year with temps exceeding -30. What am I thinking? But those 5 months without snow makes it so worth it. Reminder, need to get new batteries for my remote start. Am sick of getting into a cold vehicle!

Had to pick Tuck up from the Vet's today. Knew it was cold and windy out, but didn't realize how bad the driving conditions were. First pic is on the way to the Vet's and the second is on the way back, two hours later.

This is nothing compared to what I drove in last Friday night. Now that was crazy!

Hurt

This song by Christina Aquilera makes me cry everytime. It's like I could have wrote it for Jason. Here are the lyrics...

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh, ooh
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there
Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, oooh
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back
Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, ohh
If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

I'm working!

Well, I've made it. I'm finally in healthcare. Love, love, love it. I'm a .7 float, so that means I work at the hospital on the surgical/maternity and medicine/palliative floors. I also work at the personal care home that is connected to the hospital through an underground tunnel. I have to admit, I like both places equally the same. Part of me likes the routine at the care home and yet I like how at the hospital it's always new and changing.

I was a bit worried to be working on palliative. That quickly went away. I find it like self therapy. I can relate to the families and I truly feel compassion for these patients. I treat them caringly like I did my husband, yet I don't have the same deep feelings for them, understandably.

Have had drama with a co-worker. Never had that before. She took it upon herself to say that I'm loud, say "sweetie and hon" too much, that she feels I over do it. That I'm just too bubbly. Also that I'm too personable with the patients, especially palliative. Once she said palliative, I kinda lost it. Asked other co-workers if they felt the same way, they said not at all, that I'm fun to work with, that I'm great with the patients, etc. Later that same co-worker pulled me aside and apologized, she was crying, then told me about her issues. The rest of the night, she acted like my friend. I'm very wary and won't get personal.

Other than that, everything else is going GREAT! I work mostly evenings, which gives me more time with Brady.

Love the scrubs they have out. Have been going a little crazy buying new top

s.

I love the patterns and bright colors. Here's one of my new ones. Got lots of compliments.

Time to Get This Thing Started Again..

Well, it's been a few months, but I thought I'd get back into blogging again. Will be updating a lot over the next couple of days. So for now, ta ta and I'm back in the bloggin world!