It's Sunday!

and that means it was the season finale of Cold Case. Was all excited and was let down. I love this show. Love Lilly. But tonite I didn't. She usually has a great character and they really went the opposite with her tonite. Oh well, it's only tv!

Jason's buddy who he used to work with in Churchill and now lives in Winnipeg, came to visit for a couple of hours today. It was nice that a friend took the trip to see him. Jas enjoyed it too. After he left, Jas even bbq'd chicken wings for supper. Really tired him out tho, he slept most of the night.

Saw a house today. Was really dissappointed. The floor in the living room slopes. The second bedroom is too small and the carpet throughout needs to be replaced along with a couple of windows. Soon as I told Jason the floor sloped, he went uhh nope. Cross this house out. There's one in Gilbert Plains I'd like to go check out.

Scrapped tonight. Finished two CJ's and picked out paper and embellishments for the third. Then I'm done for awhile and I can work on Jas' CJ. Have been putting it off 'cause it's going to be so hard to do. Must remind him again for quotes.

Got him today tho, to pic some of his favorite pics. He burnt a cd of them and is labelled to give to Brady. He also picked out a few of his favorite pics of him and Brady together so I can enlarge them and keep a couple in Brady's room while he grows up and keep a couple in the living room. I would have been bawling if I had to do it, my brave, brave husband tho, actually had a good time doing it. He even put a couple of his favorite mp3's on the cd with the pictures. It was sweet.

May 19

Well it's Friday again. Brady and I slept in till 9:15!! He crawled in with me about 5 this morning. We got up and got ready then we walked up town to the post office. Got another CJ out to Jocie and mailed off Jayme's birthday cards. Tried to see if the Post master would sign the copy of Brady's birth certificate so I can get out the CPP forms, but sure enough, he wasn't in today. Will take it with me on Tuesday and have Jas' doctor sign it and then mail them out. We window shopped down Main street and then turned around and came home. Brady walked the whole way. Got back at 2:30 so took us almost 3 hours! lol Guess it was all the ants, dogs barking, and other people walking that Brady had to stop for. He even tried to help a man set up a table for this woman's yard sale. Yep, have a future Bob the Builder I think lol

While Brady napped, ran and got flowers for my planters in the front yard and planted them. Probably a little early, but the place was busy and have been noticing other people's flowers in already. They all look good, will have to take pics now and then later in the summer when they've spread out.

Jas' parents stopped in for a short visit. They told us of a private sale and Jas' dad is making arrangements for us to go look at it. When they were leaving, Brady was crying and and ran to me really fast and crawled up into my lap, clinging to me. He had to have thought they were going to take him again. Kept telling him it was ok, he was staying with mom and he settled down as soon as they closed the door. Course it really made me feel guilty for the last few weeks when I would send him with them. Hopefully that'll pass.

Working on another CJ, picked my papers, embellishments and pics for it. Now just have to put it all together. Will get that one off to Jocie on Tuesday. Have a CJ and a bit left to get out after that one and then I want to start working on the CJ I'm making for Brady on his Dad.

Going to bed early tonite. Think I had too much outside air today!

May 18

Talked to the Director at ACC regarding my voluntary withdrawl. Then talked to admissions and instead of them refunding me the rest of the course, I can take my last three courses via correspondence and then take my practicum anytime. Was a relief.

Sent an email to the HR Manager at Jason's work letting him know what was going on. Was a very hard letter to write.

Watched the season finale of The OC. Cannot believe Marissa was killed off. Was not expecting that at all. Then watched the season finale of CSI. It was awesome! So glad that Brass made it and OMG Grissom finally is together with Sarah!!!! What a way to end it.

May 17

Had about 3 1/2 hours sleep. Was a walking zombie this morning. Took Brady to meet the inlaws at the mall and then went to the hospital to talk to Jas' doctor alone. We discussed some pretty hard things and she gave the facts. I've decided with urging from the doctors, my mom and an extremely good friend of mine that I should put school on hold for awhile. My husband seemed relieved when I told him. Everyone was right in telling me that I don't need the extra stress of school and the loss of time I have to spend with Jason. Took Jason in for bloodwork and his liver count was down a bit, so looks like Monday's surgery was a success! I bring him back next Tuesday for more blood tests. Doc took him off the pot pill because he is always sleeping and he feels he's wasting what time is left. Doc prescribed a bit of an "upper" to have him take so he has more energy during the day. He'll start it tomorrow morning. I hope it works for him.

Tonight told my instructor I wasn't coming back. She told me she understood and was surprised that I lasted this long. She told me I can take what I'm missing in class now thru correspondence and take my second pratical anytime. Gave me some relief. Tho now, we lose my income. So will have to come up with some creative ways to make it thru the next few months, but this time with my husband it top priority and more important. My instructor said that she was going to make a class field trip to Dauphin in a couple of weeks to take me out for lunch. Thought that was super nice.

Watched Amazing Race, awesome the hippies won! Woohooo I was routing for them. Watched AI too and Taylor better win next week. Can't stand Kat.

Lost the house that I loved in Grandview. Apparently there are tenants living in it and they have signed a year lease which isn't up till March of next year. It was a seller's condition. Not good enough for us. I took it hard and now feel kind of panicky. I need to find a house soon so I make it a home for us and for Jason's final months. I was totally stressed tonight. There's really nothing out there in our price range. I hope something comes up really soon. Don't know what I'm going to do.

May 16th

Went and picked up Brady this morning from the inlaws. Missed him a lot. He ended up having a 4 hour nap when we got home. I even napped. It was a pretty quiet evening. Brady and I watched AI and were cheering on Taylor. Talked to Lori tonite for 4 hours. We had a great conversation. She brought many things to light for me. Will have to ask the doctor tomorrow some very hard questions.

May 15th

Took Jason to Brandon to have the stunt put into his liver to move up one of the tumors that is blocking the bile duct. While he was in surgery I ran to Superstore and to the scrapbook store there and ended up buying a couple of cute things. Got back to the hospital within one hour and checked with the nurse about Jas and he was doing good. Then walked over to the Cancercare building and picked up some more info. Got back and Jas was in recovery. He was ready to go home after just over 4 hours. He was really weak and would not talke about the surgery right away. He was pretty upset. His face was so sunken in, it scared me. He slept on and off until we got 1/2 way thru Riding Mountains and wanted to pull into one of the day camping sites and overlook one of the lakes. We ended up spending about an hour there and had a really nice time together. Another memory to last. He ended up telling me about the surgery and said he was awake the whole time as the shoved the tube down his throat and then into his liver. I felt so bad for him. We got home and he slept most of the night. I scrapped a bit then went to bed.

Mother's Day

It was a good mom's day. Jas took an pic of Brady and I that I love. Brady also made me a homemade card at daycare. How cute is that?! I am one lucky Mom!!! Unfortunately I've come to think of things as being "this is the last Mother's Day I have with Jason". It makes me so sad. But it really was a good day and I will always remember and treasure it.

It's Friday!!

Had a busy day today. Started at the Optomotrist's to order new contacts. I asked when I got there if the could re-adjust my glasses. As the lady was doing so, she says, oh you're gonna be mad at me. I said what? She says, I broke your glasses. I said, you're kidding right? She goes, um no. Sorry. Do you have another pair? I said, umm no, I don't, those are $350.00 glasses you just broke and I don't have nothing else. She told me she couldn't fix them and that she'd have to reorder a pair for me. I said, when would they get here. She said by Tuesday. K, at this point I was shocked, when she told me Tuesday, I flipped out. I was so mad and upset, had tears in my eyes and said in a very cold voice. Tuesday is not good enough. Do you realize I can't leave here because I need either glasses/contacts to drive???? I told her I had app'ts for my DH and needed to drive to Brandon on Monday, so she better come up with a better solution than that. Then I went in to see the doctor. He measured my eyes and he'd check to see if they had my particular contacts in stock. Turns out they did, or at least for one eye, the other is a little off, but at least I can see. Then another lady says as I'm getting ready to leave that I can take my pair home with me and still wear them, just without the arm. I looked at her stunned. I said you would expect me to wear broken glasses out and about? She said if you really need them, yeah. I said I don't think so. She said they did order me a new pair at no charge to me. I said I guess not. I'm not paying for new frames when they broke them to begin with! Anyways, am stuck wearing these contacts without giving my eyes a break at all until Tuesday. Grrr

Took Jas to the hospital and got his pre-op done. Came home and relaxed. The cancer care volunteer came over and stayed for about an hour and a half. She is super nice. About my age, has 3 kids, moved to Dauphin about 4 years ago. We have a lot in common, except she doesn't scrapbook...hmmm might have to get her started. She is picking up some books for me and I'll grab them from her place tomorrow.

Went afterwards to the lawyers and signed our wills, power of attorney, etc. Found out we can now collect on Jas' CPP, so our doctor has the forms to fill out and I pick those up on Tuesday and will send them in. That will so help us financially. Talked about a few other things with the lawyer and then left.

We asked Dr. M to be Jason's doctor now. She is so wonderful. Feel so much better now.

Went and picked up Brady from daycare. Jason even came inside. First time ever. Braydon's daycare is right in the school (K-12) in Grandview. Brady's room is Jason's old kindergarten room. Too cool. Braydon was so excited to see us, mostly Jason tho. Kept saying, da da, da da, and telling everyone and pointing to Jason. I loved it! Got my first home made mother's day card today. Omg it was too cute and precious. The daycare worker wrote on it, but it had Brady's squiggles on the inside. How cute is that??? It will be something I treasure forever.

Dropped Jas off at home and took Brady thru the drivethru at Mcdee's and got him fries. He absolutely loves McDonalds. Went to the mall and let him ride in the car and the horse rides, which he ate his fries at the same time. Picked up a few things and then came home. Took Brady for a long bike ride and then we got back and we played and snuggled and yeah, I let him stay up till 11 (heehee) since he was having so much fun with me. He's now sleeping in my bed. Missed him so much.

Well I better go to bed, tomorrow will be another busy day. Yardwork and Braydon!

Today was a bit better

The new meds are really working for Jas. He hasn't had to take any break thru painkillers. That's such a bonus! He still has no pain at all. He is happy about that too.

This morning, a social worker called from Cancer Care and I spoke with her for an hour. Most of it was just going over the past 3 months and we also talked about Brady too. She told me something that I really never thought of. That Brady will mourn Jason over the years as he grows up. She suggested I take lots of pics and have Daddy play with him as much as he can. Also as the years go by, tell Braydon all about Jason, little stories, that Daddy loved him, loved me, etc. So glad that he will have a child therapist here in Dauphin. The social worker is going to call me again next Tuesday afternoon.

Heard from the cancer care volunteer here in Dauphin. Am meeting with her tomorrow afternoon. She sounds really nice on the phone.

Lori called me today and we had a great chat. She is such a great person. I'm so glad I have her in my life. She knows exactly what to say and when and has told me so much that I had no clue about. She is definitely my long lost sister! I can't wait to meet her.

Jason and I went to a lawyer to get our wills drawn up. Got everything in order. Executor, Guardian of Brady, power of attorney, and then also some medical legal forms for Jason. It was tough, but we got thru and are very glad we finally got wills done. I suggest everyone and anyone with children should have a will. Our lawyer went to school with Jason's cousin so he waived the fee of the wills. Course he'll be getting our other business, ie. when we buy a house this summer.

That's another thing. For obvious reasons, we're not going with what our dream is of building on land close to Riding Mountain. We're just going to buy a cozy house right in town here. I want to be able to make this house a home for us and Jason to enjoy and he'll have no worries about Braydon and I afterwards.

I decided that I'm going to create a scrapbook journal of Jason and Brady and have little quotes and sayings from Jason to Braydon in it. He's totally for it too. It's something that I think Braydon will treasure immensley when he's a bit older.

Now I just got get back my scrapbook mojo. It's a tweaking but I still am not in there scrappin!

Another day goes by

This morning Jason had his cat scan to check his liver. The tumors in his liver have grown significantly. They are sending us to Brandon on Monday so they can insert a tube into his liver to help drain the bile. It's a day surgery and should be home the same night. Braydon will stay at the in-laws.

On a good note, the new pain medication he's on is working. It's making him extremely tired, but we're told that's normal as his body adjusts to it. In a few days it should be better. Just so glad he's not feeling any pain. I hope it lasts for awhile.

Pallative care called this afternoon and they've set me up with a trained cancer care volunteer who shares the same interests as me, etc. The pallative care coordinator thinks we'll make fast friends and wanted me to have someone here in Dauphin where I can go for coffee with, etc. I was very grateful to her for arranging it. Am just waiting for the volunteer to call me.

Tomorrow we meet with a lawyer to get our wills done and to talk about what else needs to be done. It will be a tough day.

Worst day of my life

Today is the worst day of my life. My wonderfuly husband, my best friend, the father to my son was told that he has only months left to live. The chemo isn't working and is destroying his liver. He is now jaundiced. The doctors have switched his meds and have taken him off the pain patches because he has no fat left on his body. It's not absorbing the medication. He has now lost 45 lbs since this all started. They've also put him on the "pot" pill. Something that actually made him laugh. I hope with all my heart that these meds ease the pain that he is in.

How can this be happening to us? We moved to Dauphin with so many hopes and dreams and have never been happier. It's all changed now. How do I go on without him and keep a semi normal life for my precious little boy? I am so scared of life without him. I can't even think of my son right now and what it's going to be like for him. I'm just devastated. Jas is in shock, scared, upset. I can't help him or make it go away. All I've been doing all day is crying or holding him.

He's going for a cat scan tomorrow morning on his liver. That's their main concern right now. We meet with the doctors tomorrow afternoon to see what they are planning. Thursday morning, a cancercare social worker is calling me for therapy. Braydon is also being set up with a child therapist and am waiting to find out when that is.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm lost.

Brady's birthday cake celebrations!

We had Braydon's birthday cake today. He was a little confused when we were telling him to blow out the candle and when we were all singing to him, but then he got right into it. He wouldn't eat any of his cake tho, too busy playing with the trucks on top.

He got a wheelbarrel and some clothes from Grandma and Grandpa. He thought it was pretty funny tipping it over. Can't really maneuver it around yet. He'll get better tho.

Grandma and Grandpa took him home with them for a couple of days. I have to go to Brandon tomorrow for a seminar and I'd be leaving too early to get him to daycare. Tuesday I have to take Jason in for bloodwork and see the chemo department. I already miss him like crazy. I want my Brady hugs and kisses!

Well, I need to get to bed, have to get up early tomorrow.

This is really for Saturday

Brady loves to help daddy in the yard.

Jason wanted to give me my birthday present early. Of course, how could I deny him?! I got a bike and it's what I've been wanting for awhile. I love it. We also got a carryon seat for the back of it so I can take Brady with me. Got him a bike helmut too. I took him for a ride last night. He loves it. I am so happy. I'll get some exercise and Brady will have some fun at the same time. Lots of places to go biking around here. Hardly any traffic and beautiful scenery.

Didn't do much else yesterday. Watched Hostile last night. I had heard mixed reviews. I actually liked it. It's gory like Saw but was glad at the way it ended. Not a movie for the peeps with a weak stomach.

My munchkin visits the doc

This morning we all went for a drive and looked at the 1 and 2 acre lots for sale at the base of the mountain. They're beautiful. This is where I want my dream home. I want to live there so bad. Some day...

After the drive came home put Brady down for a nap. I also decided to take one myself. Jas came and woke me up for Brady's doctor's app't. He had his 2 year old check up. I am so glad that the GP we had in the city knew this doctor here and recommended him. He is so good. Brady loves him. The doctor let Braydon wear his stethoscope and help him with all his instruments. He asked Brady to help him with the rest of his patients and then when we were leaving Brady starts following him down the hallway to the next office. I'm like noooooo, Dr. C was joking!! Doctor thought it was pretty funny tho. Anyways, he's referring Braydon to a speach therapist. He only says about a dozen words still and it was one of my concerns that I brought up. The doctor agreed with me and said he should have a larger vocabulary and should be speaking in two word sentences by now. It's not his hearing and he can understand everything we're saying to him and is too smart for his own good at times. He's just not talking too much. Will be getting a call from the therapist when we can get in for an app't. I heard she's good and specializes in toddlers and thankfully, she's here in Dauphin. Also, apparantly, I'm doing everything right with Braydon and Jason's illness. The doc said it was good that I'm keeping Brady in a regular routine and keeping things as normal as possible under the circumstances. I felt better than because I have been worrying about the pyschological effects it might have on Braydon.

Afterwards, went to Wallyworld. Course, Brady had to take a ride in the car and on the horsey. Reminder to self, need more quarters. Picked up a few things, ordered Brady's cake at Safeway and picked up hot dog supplies for supper. Decided to go with the construction cake. It has a bunch of tractors, trucks, etc on top of the cake and he can keep them afterwards to play with. Close enough to Bob the Builder. Can't wait till he sees it. Came home and played outside. He is obsessed with playing in the vehicles. Loves to pretend to drive. He can sit in there for an hour doing just that!

After Braydon went to bed, watched Munich. Didn't really know what it was about beforehand. It's a good movie tho and I never knew that actually happened. Didn't recognize any of the actors, but they all did an awesome job.

Jas' pain is getting worse. He's back to taking 50 ml of morphine every hour again. I think the naseau has worn off from the chemo and now he can feel all the pain again. The cancer nurse said the pain should start lessening next week. Takes about 3 weeks after chemo for the cancer tumors to start shrinking. If pain lessens, it's a good sign. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Decided that tomorrow gonna start busting my ass in losing weight. Can't stand it anymore the extra weight I've gained in the past year. Gonna try jogging, which Pennie will love. Must stop drinking pepsi too and start drinking water. Plus the addiction to Salt n' Vinegar chips has to be broken.

Seems like it's been a long day so I'm off to bed.

Got some scrapping done!

I swear, I think Optometrists are in a conspiracy together. Seriously. My contact ripped a week ago and I have to order new ones. I just had my eyes tested last spring, got new contacts and glasses. All I need is my prescription faxed to my new Optometrist here and they can order me new ones. Sounds easy, right? Apparently, it's not. I had to go sign a release form at new eye doctor's to have them fax it to my old eye doc and then for him to turn around and fax it back. Well, I call today, two days later. Ask if everything got back ok. The receptionist says yes, but I need to make an eye app't. I say, I just had one last spring. She said it doesn't matter. I say, oh but it does. We are, like most are, only covered by Blue Cross for eye app't every two years. I doubt my eyes have changed since last spring. So, receptionist says, well it'll be a "mini" appt. and he needs to see me before they order me a new pair of contacts. Now, I have to pay for this "mini" appt to be able to order contacts! I'm left without a choice, I have to have my contacts, so I have to wait now till next Friday to even get in to see this doc. Grrrr. Didn't matter I had an eye exam last spring, I just think they're all out to make a buck.

On a lighter note. Had otherwise a good day. Took Brady to daycare this morning. After ripping him off my leg I was able to leave. Jason pretty much slept all day. So it was just me. What do you think I did?? Yep, finally went into my scrapbook room. I made my first ever cards today. Hope the people who I sent them too, like 'em. No laughing either! Afterwards went and mailed them on the way to pick up Brady. He had a good day too apparently.

Came home, made supper, cleaned up, and decided to take Braydon for a walk in his wagon. Took Pennie too. About a block away from home, Pennie kept turning around, so I decided to take a look. I see my cat, Willow, following us too. She ended up following behing the wagon the whole walk. We must have looked pretty funny, Pennie pulling me, me pulling Braydon, the cat following.

Watched the OC tonite. Why is it at the end of each season, someone is getting arrested? You'd think they could come up with something different. But I'll still be watching the next show. Gotta find out how Cohen gets outta that one.

Well, I'm off to go watch CSI, looks like a good one! Finally Nick doesn't look like a 70's porn star anymore! HA!

New to this bloggin thing

I've been wanting one for awhile now. I love writing, love relaying my thoughts, emotions, etc. Am hoping that I can keep this interesting.

Today was a good day. Braydon actually slept in till 8:00!! I was shocked, I woke up before him. Jason was up already, watching tv. He didn't have a good night, feeling some pain. It actually decreased during the morning, which was very good. Finally was able to speak to an informative nurse here. She is going to set up counselling for us. I am so in need to be able to pour my heart out. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster ride. One day, I'm bitchy, or I'm depressed, and then like today, I am happy. I think even Jas is going to speak to the therapist too. I hope so. Again, found out his doctor here was wrong. Jas probably isn't starting chemo next week again. See, I knew I heard the Oncologist right. He was to get chemo every four weeks. His chemo nurse told me she even questioned the doctor here. Ahhh, another sign to maybe switch to the woman doc. Least I get to meet her next week. I heard she's very good to talk too and takes time with her patients. Exactly what we need.

Evan came over this afternoon. He brought Brady a blow up pool and a ball for his birthday. Braydon, of course, wanted the pool set up now. Yeah right, that's ALL I need, is a pool full of water in my living room, dog and Braydon splashing around. Think, umm, Not!

Going to Brandon next Monday to do the Non Violence seminar I had missed. Should be interesting.

Tonight, Braydon and I watched American Idol. Glad Paris is gone and Taylor remained. Was a little worried. Tho I know that my Chris is going to take it all! Can't wait to hear his songs after Idol. Also watched the continuation of House. I watched the first part last night for the first time. I am hooked. It's a great show. Course, I come in when it's almost end of season. Am hoping I can catch up on repeats this summer.

So was sitting here, typing this and couldn't believe how hot I was getting. Turned off the desk lamp, thinking maybe that's why. Few minutes later, still getting hotter. Go to check the thermostat and it was set to 95!! WTH?! Turned it right off.

Well, think I'm off to bed now.